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My personal experiences

Caro Persönlich

Revealing too much of oneself... A companion - and briefly "mistress" of myself - said at the time "Caro, I don't want you to know too much about me, because that makes me more interesting". At the time, I thought intensely about whether I should present myself in a more interesting way by being "secretive" - and above all, whether I wanted to. My answer is still: "No!". Anyone who doesn't find me exciting as an open being with all her facets isn't worth my devoting much time to that person anyway.

I was also told that now that the Dominatrix has awakened in me, I must no longer show my vulnerable and insecure sides... 🤐 I also refuse to accept this dogma. When I am Mistress Chauve, it is completely and utterly. I know then no doubts, fears, insecurities. And stage my sessions by pure inspiration. But I am not the Dominatrix (or Bizarrlady) all the time - and I live out my tender romantic side just as happily and gleefully as my sadistic dominance. Only one thing I will certainly not do: Pretend something I am not or do not feel! And that's why I'm not afraid to tell about my former experiences as a submissive maso-sub, even though it sometimes seems unbelievable to me how I once "ticked".

While rummaging through old files I recently came across long forgotten texts I wrote years ago for a very wonderful Subby Facebook group (founded by the legendary Sir Magnus). This group is now as much history as my once so deep devotion.

Also, the public S&M scene has changed drastically and evolved from real D/S sessions more and more to sensual-sexual kinky play. I confess that I miss the special magic of earlier times and am happy to have experienced the last phase of the oldschoolers in the clubs really intensively, felt it on my own body and lived it. But I also like the fun play without psychological depth, which probably prevails in most clubs today. But just because so much is so different today, my sweet-naïve memories will certainly lead to some smirks... and that is also quite intended 😉

Sometimes I miss this heady turmoil of emotions made up of fears, hopes, curiosity and longings, which made my heart beat so hard back then. At that time I did not suspect in the least what would become of me one day 😇

So here's a very personal document of the time: a troubled account that I wrote to that fem-sub group right after my first night in an SM club. And maybe this will give some courage to all those who have not yet dared to go to a fetish SM party 💋.

Extravaganxxa 2014 Composing

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