The definitions of passion are so varied, so much is spoken and written about it... and often I wonder if all these writers have ever experienced what real passion is. Because you can hardly explain it, you have to feel it, sense it, live it, taste it, give it and absorb it. And that is often only possible if you first become a voyeur. And that's exactly what many people shy away from or don't have the opportunity to do. The curious and eager to experiment may then watch porn.
If they are lucky or have special fantasies, they actually come across videos that reflect real lust. When watching porn, I always look at the body language, facial expressions and especially the eyes of the protagonists - and often shudder in the face of the listlessness, often even annoyance, that the copulating protagonists display there. Sex - no matter how aesthetic, the fucking bodies no matter how model-like - without real pleasure, it's all more insipid to me than a bag of soup. Many apparently don't even notice. They then perhaps adopt some of the positions and movements and thus transfer the listless, but sporty clatter into their home bed.
Since I myself was a few years ago still a completely clueless, which was rather repelled by hard dirty sex (sweat, fluids, smells, effort) and wished for a world of cuddling, I presume to say that anyone can become a sex goddess or a sex god, who on the one hand really wants this, and on the other hand has imagination and creativity, as well as the desire to learn and the athletic ambition to train intensively. In reality, experience shows that this will only apply to the very few, who will then be admired by the rest, who look on in wonder, fascination and envy (if they have the courage and opportunity to do so).
My own path to becoming one of these erotic marvels began when I observed a friend at a fetish party at Catonium (one of Europe's largest SM clubs) simply giving sensual pleasure to several men and women with her hands and mouth - without demanding anything in return herself. She was a master of ceremonies of pleasure and I myself was incredibly fascinated by her grace and passionate strength. I was immediately aware that I would give everything to be like that, to be absorbed in the erotic intoxication and to derive sensual satisfaction from bringing others to climax. But I realized very quickly how long and hard this path can be.
When I imagine today that there were times when I found blowing and licking exhausting and did everything I could to make my partner climax as quickly as possible, I can hardly believe it. I thoroughly enjoyed the sensual play with a partner, but also often found it power-sapping and sometimes disturbing.
Much of it resulted from sheer uncertainty. "Am I doing it right? Does he/she like it this way? Why is he/she taking so long to come? Should I do something differently?" I often looked over my own shoulder during sex, so to speak, and so couldn't really let myself go. The main reason: I didn't take myself seriously enough and thus questioned everything - and I also radiated this insecurity and thus appeared less erotic and attractive to others.
When I took my first steps in the hedonistic scene of Hamburg, I easily managed to find partners at parties who wanted to fuck me - some hard, some soft, and some just hanging out while I was supposed to be giving them fun. And I also attracted those who were as inexperienced and insecure as I was. Sometimes this gave me intense fun, like at the “Kunst und Sünde”-Party in Catonium when I got really deliciously fucked hard with my ass over the dance floor for the first time - but those remained brief snapshots that quickly fizzled out, almost always leaving me with my sense of emptiness... and the feeling that I was still doing something wrong. I also didn't really dare to try new things, I usually left the man completely in control (my lesbian side was still dormant at that time).
That this eventually changed and I finally discovered the truly sensual woman in me, I owe to a DJ, who licked me at the afterparty after a kinky party in the apartment of a friend so so into seventh heaven (while I entertained the neighborhood with my cries of pleasure), that after this night nothing was the same as before. Real lust must be ignited - and for this it needs the right partner who lights the fuse! A thousand standard fuckers could not have given me what I experienced that night and learned about myself! No more shame, no more insecurity, just pure unleashed lust. Whereby I must say that from today's perspective, our love game at the time seems downright well-behaved and conventional to me.
Fate gifted me shortly thereafter with a partner (a ladyboy, a she-male - man and woman in one) with whom I experienced sexual intensity that was simply incomparable! Gentle! Hard! Intense! Imaginative! Surprising! Persistent! Loving! Angry! But from the beginning I asked questions! I wanted to know which she particularly liked when I played with her cock, where to touch her and how. And I also asked these questions to others with whom I had sex. Many men were confused at first when I asked them such questions after the act, but I didn't let up. And so I also learned that almost every man has different preferences, sometimes only small details that differ, but are so important.
At the same time, I began to train my body (through intense abdominal-leg-butt programs and energetic techo-dancing), to make my muscles supple and enduring, so that it was no longer a problem to stimulate someone intensely with my hands and tongue for two hours and more without tiring in the slightest. And I noticed how I was more and more able to absorb, amplify and return the energy of my partner's pleasure in me! To experience how someone went into an erotic frenzy through me, to see in his eyes and in his physical reactions and to feel that he has never experienced something like this in this intensity, became for me an incredibly sensual fulfillment.
Meanwhile, it is sometimes so that it satisfies me much more to put someone in this erotic total ecstasy than when I myself am fucked into the orgasms. And my almost tantric technique, with which I spoil a cock, is probably actually a very particular specialty of mine - I have also trained for it for a long time and, imaginatively and with great pleasure. Meanwhile, I almost believe to have reached the zenith of this special art and only through physical changes to reach a higher level, with which I can spoil a cock even more. That's why I will split my tongue as soon as possible to be able to play with two tongues at the same time on the hot shaft.
Sex without love is no problem for me - sex without passion is an absurdity.
But what about having sex with someone who pays for it?
I also asked myself this question for a very long time. I used to believe that I could only really devote myself if I was very familiar with the person and really liked him from the heart. Today this seems so naive and immature to me - because the passion arises all alone in me and through what I want! When I have sex with someone, be it romantic, brutal, at home or in the club in front of an audience, or in a gang bang with dozens of candidates - it is MY desire! Today I consider myself completely sexually emancipated, a strong mature woman who knows exactly what she loves. I know what I want. I make my demands, but I also like to give opportunities, teach new and get involved in many things.
Especially with the gang bangs I quickly learned that often those guys, whom I would normally never have given a chance, came over me with the greatest fervor and sensuality - and how much I can enjoy that. I learned long ago not to divide sexual partners into fat, thin, old, young, pretty, ugly, but to see each in its own way as a sensual being and to be curious about what this being is able to give me.
I have also learned in the process how much sexual power I have in my hands and how I can direct the game according to my ideas, how my challenges incite, how the men are eager to outdo each other in an effort to elicit from me the greatest possible pleasure and the most intense cries. I am their goddess and they are my slaves who may give me pleasure. That they also get their money's worth gives me great pleasure, because I am not selfish and want to share everything - and I love to surrender completely and slide from orgasm to orgasm!
When I hear that some people believe that a prostitute, when having sex for sale, transfers her soul to a distant place so that she doesn't experience her body being soiled, I shudder. I enjoy every moment and when someone who looks like Quasimodo (well, in the club most men are more attractive than the bell ringer) manages to bring me to a really intense orgasm, I scream my pleasure wildly without any scruples or shame and give him for a short time the feeling of being a sex god.
When I shower off after such a vigorous run and enjoy a glass of rosé at the bar, sometimes one of my "sparring partners" joins me and seeks a little closeness and exchange. And what I am then told, how much gratitude and warmth lies in the eyes and gestures of these men (some young and still very inexperienced), really touches my heart and I am happy to have made someone very happy. I don't sell myself there, I make a gift, become the embodiment of dreams, gain a lot myself every time and also earn a little in the process.
It's probably a special gift I've been given, to be able to open my heart and body completely to strangers for a certain amount of time, and then just be myself again and enjoy it, with no desire for anything more to come of it. When I have sex with someone who pays me, it turns me on at first and after a short time I forget about it - similar to having sex in front of an audience. I have become a thoroughly sexual being and nothing could ever make me be otherwise again. Horny sex is pure happiness!
Why I of all people write a blog about passion, sex and everything around it? Because until a few years ago I myself was still incredibly clueless, preferred to put myself in cuddly dream worlds and was a sweet, yet inconspicuous sexually almost completely inexperienced cutey.